Emotional attachment

As expert Divorce Solicitors in Guildford we can help you and your partner to improve communication between you and to help you both understand the underlying issues in your relationship. We have had couples where this has been so effective that, where appropriate, they had the opportunity to reconcile the relationship or, at the very least co-parent and communicate effectively with each other after the divorce.

Even when divorce is inevitable and the decree absolute has arrived through the letterbox many people will continue to have an emotional attachment to their ex-partner. Most people, who have been through the divorce process, will tell you that it is far easier to deal with the legal end of the marriage than it is to deal with the emotional one.

On-going emotional attachment can take many forms, including remaining dependant on the ex-partner, or continued hostility towards them. These can both be psychologically challenging and lead to anxiety, depression, anger and feelings of helplessness. As divorce solicitors Guildford we can help you through all of this with our unique legal and psychological approach.

Once the divorce is over many people will continue to have an emotional attachment to their ex-partner. Things can become complicated when you still need to work together and maintain a good relationship to be good parents and role models to your children. To co-parent effectively can make it more difficult to obtain a clean break emotionally from each other. After all you have shared many years with each other, told each other things you may not have shared with anyone else, been intimate with each other, so to walk away cleanly with no emotions, will not be easy. You will need to have clear boundaries once the divorce is finalised legally, to enable you to be both good co-parents and to be able to start to live independently emotionally from each other and not rely on each other for emotional support.

On-going hostilities with your ex-partner are, unfortunately, fairly common, with some people finding that there is more conflict post-divorce than pre. It will be harder to adjust to your new life if you both have on-going hostilities with each other and will also negatively impact on your children. They see and hear far more than you give them credit for, no matter how discreet you think you are being! Remember you are both their parents and at one time you loved each other enough to make them – they will love you both!

Ground rules will need to be established for your new post-divorce lives. This will protect you both and prevent any situations from occurring that may become inflammatory. You do not need to ignore your ex-partner, but you do need to minimise non-essential contact and to accept that the relationship between you now will be vastly different to when you were married. Simple things like, when you visit each other’s houses to drop off/collect the children, you need to knock the door not just walk on in. Don’t help yourself to a cup of tea or the contents of the fridge, you are now a guest, the same as anyone else.

Obviously if the situation between you is still hostile you should keep all phone conversations short and to the point. You may want to consider restricting communication to email/in writing to avoid conversations in this situation. Limit all communication to only the children or legal matters that need resolving. As Divorce solicitors Guildford we can help you through this process.  Our testimonials speak for themselves.

Be respectful to each other. You can always hang up if you think the conversation is becoming combative. Make sure that you both know you will only speak to each other if you are both respectful.

Never involve the children in any kind of communication between you. Do not ask them to pass messages on, or question them about what or how your ex-partner is now living. And never bad mouth your ex in front of them, no matter how annoyed you may be. Your children love both of you and did not ask for this divorce, so do not draw them in to take your ‘side’ as you will be negatively impacting them and this may lead to future problems. You are both now divorced so you do not need to know what they are up to, where they are going, who they are with etc. and vice versa.

Make sure that your relationships with your ex in-laws are genuine and not just because you were related. Blood is always thicker than water, so if you are good friends with your mother/father in law or your brother/sister in law then this can continue, but make sure that you do not discuss your ex-partner under any circumstances.

Often the first person you will automatically want to contact when something good or bad happens will be your ex-partner, however, this can no longer be the case. You both must learn to deal with things separately and not lean on each other for support. Often people will make the mistake of continuing to do things for each other that they did throughout their marriage things like paperwork, washing etc. but this can no longer continue and new arrangements will need to be made. Your new relationship needs to adapt and become more business-like in its approach. You are no longer husband and wife and will need to adjust accordingly.

It may be that at some point down the line, when you have both settled into your new lives that you relax the rules, but each situation is different and what works for one couple may be totally unacceptable for another.

When all is said and done, you have made the decision to divorce and end your marriage to each other for a reason, so do not waste time and effort into creating hostilities between each other. Your future is now about YOU, so go and live it.

As experienced Divorce solicitors Guildford we have many years of expertise and can help you through your individual situation.

Call us today on 01483 826470 and see how we can help you.