Winning and losing

As specialist divorce lawyers in Guildford we will be the first people to tell you that there are no ‘winners’ or ‘losers’ from going through the divorce process.

The predominant reasons for this are mainly from the family point of view, if there are children involved, and also financial.

Going through a divorce can be a huge financial disruption to both parties and many people fail to understand the financial ramifications of a divorce until it is too late.  We will guide you through the process in a simple and easy to understand manner, making sure you understand the choices you have to make and the consequences of them all, both short and long term.  We will always be honest with you and make you aware how you will be affected financially, even if it is not the news you wish to hear.  It is useful to keep in mind that all divorces and their outcomes vary greatly, so whilst your friends, relatives etc. may have experienced certain issues or outcomes, yours will be entirely different as your case is unique to you.
It is sometimes the case that one or both parties may experience a drop in their standard of living post-divorce.  This is largely dependent on finances as you will be splitting one household income and running two homes, with two lots of rent/mortgage, two lots of utilities, two lots of council tax etc.  Obviously if you are a stay at home parent, or one of you works part time and relied on the other party for income, then you may have concerns, but rest assured we can help you to assess all options open to you and help to suggest benefits that you may not realise you are entitled to.

Children can invariably suffer whilst the parents navigate their way through a divorce.  With parents who are combative and hostile it can be difficult to find a way forward, or to engage in any open and honest discourse together.  As parents you made the children in a time of love and despite any negative feelings towards each other now, you really need to be making your children your priority.  It is all too easy to become embroiled in arguments around the children, or worse to start using the children to relay messages between you.  If you are frustrated and need to discuss these frustrations, it is far wiser to find a friend or family member to talk with, but please do not use your children as pawns in your interactions with your ex-partner.
This is a time when your children will need reassurance and a continuity of care.  If you can still manage financially to continue with any after school activities, or clubs they attend, then it is encouraged to do so to minimise any disruptions to their schedules.  They can easily become confused over situations and may even start to display emotions or actions previously unseen – your little angel can start acting up overnight, this is perfectly normal and will settle back down with careful parenting.  It is a time for explaining things in an age appropriate way to them and making sure they understand that it is in no way their fault – children are very good at blaming themselves for Mummy and Daddy divorcing and so it is important, where possible, for both parents to sit them down and explain things to them together.  Make sure you are available to your children when they have questions to ask, and they will ask them, often at inopportune moments like the supermarket checkout, but don’t let them feel like they cannot ask you anything at any time.  It is not a time to speak negatively about your ex-partner in front of them, or to ask your child to choose between you – rather you should be the parent and make the best choices for your children’s welfare, irrespective of your own personal feelings.

A lot of people, going through the divorce process, are not open to the suggestion of ‘compromise’ and are intent on ‘winning’ all the things they want, be that child custody, property, maintenance etc.  However it is not a case of ‘winning’ all these aspects, but realising that compromises must be made.  In this way no-one ‘wins’ a divorce, but you both reach a mutually agreed settlement.  If you become combative it is more likely that your children will suffer, as you argue back and forth, often over the simple things.  We are experts in helping families where parents have agreed to keep things amicable when agreeing that divorce is inevitable, however once the realisation of divorce becomes apparent and the magnitude of the decisions to be made, their attitude quickly changes.  Therefore it is better to engage in mediation if you cannot reach an agreement together.

As experienced divorce lawyers Guildford we can help you with mediation using our unique legal and psychological approach to your circumstances.  We will facilitate a calm environment, with a no blame atmosphere, to aid discussions between you both and equip you to be able to communicate effectively, not just now, but also for the future.  Using this unique combined legal and psychological approach also ensures that you feel supported and understood, both emotionally and psychologically, at a time where you may be experiencing great upset and confusion.   We have proven results of our customers experiencing less anxiety and feelings of helplessness and achieving a greater understanding and emotional closure around the reasons for the separation or divorce.

Unfortunately we often see parents not putting their children’s interests at the heart of their decision making and who will be prepared to make bad choices if they feel it scores points and a ‘win’ off their ex-partner.  This is to be avoided at all costs.  Your children should be front and centre of absolutely everything you decide, irrespective of personal feelings.  If you are struggling to arrange child custody and/or being difficult about contact visits put yourself in your children’s shoes – they love you both and they deserve a relationship with BOTH parents.  Also bear in mind that if you are being difficult now about contact and arguing over weekends, or swapping days etc. how will you expect to be treated when the situation is reversed?  Taking a hard-line approach and not be flexible may well come back to haunt you!

Your children will remember your divorce in the years to come – what story do you want them to remember about how you both handled it?

As specialist divorce lawyers Guildford we are here to help you through your individual divorce process. Contact us today on 01483 826470 and let us help you with any queries or questions you may have.